sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
how bad would it be if i made his twitter my home page?
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
If this nail lady pinches my achilles one more time im kicking her directly in her bedazzled boobs
I guess my vagina missed him because it called and left a 5 min. message. Color me impressed
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
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