Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
Wearing the flip cup varsity team sweatshirt was the best descision of my life.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.
All three of us got laid last night. This is what is commonly referred to as the Trifuckta.
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
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