Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
I woke up with my 26er down my pants and a peice of paper stuck to my forehead with gum that said "tell it to the greek goddess beside me"
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
We made a pact to go to the nursing home together... that way we could stay high till the bitter end. Do you not remember?
I just got the most majestic image of a potato sack full of dildos getting whipped at your head in slow motion.
I don't know what happened last night. But I just woke up in the high school boiler room
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
We could just go to Vegas and celebrate my singlehood and not contributing to the population.
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