Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Went home drunk last night and peed on my Christmas tree, my mothers going to fucking kill me
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
He had a temporary tattoo of Justin Bieber on his dick and I still had sex with him
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
