Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I can't wet the bed. That was the old me. I'm grown
Oh my god
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
Just left a strip club where they let me on stage to teach them tricks. Time of my life!
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
She was on top, but I lost her at "alright, you look like predator."
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
you're now officially the 3000 mile booty call. congrats.
Randomize
