after giving me morning oral, he left saying "hate to eat and run but..." oh yeah, he's getting a second date.
you know that hot chick that stutters? talk about an awkward orgasm
we were dressed as cave people and he kept telling everybody i was so easy a caveman could do it.
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like having to pee in a condom for my cousin so that he can pass a drug test.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
She was so morning drunk she asked the lady at brueggers for a bandaid and my self respect back
i think i broke my dog last night...fuck
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
Come to the roof. We are drinking breakfast.
I mean technically the bite was both in my nose and on the outside of it. I thought I was going to need stitches or something.
Why was his mouth around your nose anyways?
It was just one of those nights, man.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
I just need some of your time and all of your body.
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
Randomize
