don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter
It made me feel like I need a reality show of my life so I could go back and watch the episodes to figure out how I got from the trunk of the car to my neighbors tree house...
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
This isn't good. I can't find my mom. This is why we don't give her Fireball.
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
Randomize
