maybe all of them together would equal one normal sized dick.
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
He called the drink "The Annexation of Puerto Rico". He wouldn't tell us whats in it but said that we should all fear for our lives. Let's do this.
I don't think eating half of a pickle out of my mouth counts as getting to know me
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
I feel like my sexual preferences are just another sign that I am a 75 year old drag queen in a 29 year old woman's body.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
