I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Just got new surround sound speakers for my computer... I feel like I'm actually IN the porn now.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
so high i just made my own version of grilled cheese using toast and spray cheese
here comes the puke
i just traded 2 rolls of toilet paper for half a water bottle of vodka. i love college
We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
Literally just inhaled three cinnamon rolls. Sara is staring. It was inhuman
You know we have no secrets, right? I mean, you saw me shitting in a gift bag drunk and naked on Christmas eve.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
Randomize
