i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
its like they have never seen someone walk through campus with a plunger
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
Oh no. Did you guys fuck on my pull out couch?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
It's totally a relationship. we have sex in other people's beds, watch mad men while high and get drunk on his teammates' beer. don't you dare stomp on my dreams with your societal judgments
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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