I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
You covered in salsa con queso would take care of all of my cravings right now
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I'm playing a game where i judge myself by whats in my cart. Also have 3 bright red giant buckets
He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.
There is a chick at the bar in a bumble bee onesie, complete with wings. Yeah, I must be back in Seattle.
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
guess who got crunk and thought it would be a good idea to give herself a pixie cut?
THOUGHT
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
Randomize
