i was just at lovers lane looking for gifts for a bachelorette party.....with my mom
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
You see.... Im at the point in my life where pissing in a toilet is a luxury for me
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
You carried me up the stairs after I told you not to. And what did you tell me? "Let me test my strengths."
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It's like I'm getting a welcome home parade with sex!
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
