I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
You're the only person i know who can laugh and talk while puking
Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.
fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
I still have beer shits from last weekend. Dying from dysentary is a real threat at this point.
So this is completely apropos of nothing, but I have a feeling that a friend of mine might be a good match for you. Can I set you two up on a date? Oh, and it seems that we live a block away from each other and aren't having sexy times. This is ridiculous. By the way, there's a chance that I might be a tad drunk. Still though, there's a very *good* chance that you and Mr. X would get along.
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
