Call me Kermit cause I'm about to go piggin
Update from family reunion: my aunt Janet once got her legs stuck behind her head. The fire department had to be called.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?
No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
fuck that im pissed. when I come back im ripping forskin off.
I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.
Hello wreck, this is your train calling.
If I weren't her cousin I'd take advantage of her and this low point in her life.
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Drinking Hot Toddies on the Porch and blasting bob dylans "hurricane" bring it on sandy!
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
thanks for supporting my whoreish tendencies
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