her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical
Dude just the look on his face when she sat down next to him, threw one leg over his, and just said "so..." was fucking amazing
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
I just found out how I got home last night. The bartenders found me sitting in the brush peeing and called me a cab. Have you seen my underwear?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
don't worry, i'll dog sit again, the barking made the sex better, its like he was cheering for us, we were just THAT good.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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