I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.
im gonna put my furry chinchilla vagina on her mother effing nose
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
This is where you say "Why yes we will drink with reckless abandon and hopefully not be in a church parking lot again."
Finding that toy duck there was weird right?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm not sure what exactly you were planning, but you kept yelling that we were going to need a lot of midgets and a lawyer.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
