I took off my bra and money fell out...how crazy was I tonight?
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Sharpest. Poop. Ever.
i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered
Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
I lost a whole day of my life. Apparemtly I was using my deodrant as a phone. And is my phone there?
I'm currently giving my drug dealer relationship advice. He's a nice guy and all but I'm really just hoping I get some free weed
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
