My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
I love how you send me nude pics of girls you're fucking and name them by which city they're in instead of their name. "This is Nashville, this is Tupelo, this is Jackson..."
my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.
To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
It's 4:30 AM and I just walked through a line of 10 deer without them freaking out. I am the campus deer king.
If everything else in my life fails, at least I just had one of my top orgasms
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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