this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser
It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.
Itll be like a collage of penis. And not that abstract, one penis in a big painting contemporary shit. Collage....
I woke up in my own bed clutching a key to a Ramada in another state.
Oh that could end badly if you get them mixed up.. you know who I think you should focus on?? THE ONE WITH THE BIG BLACK COCK, just sayin
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Randomize
