I just found that girl ____ on facebook, her activities include "church nursery" yikes
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
I wore wrist and ankle weights while we had sex. Does that count as working out?
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Randomize
