Oh shit, I think we need to get you a hobby that doesn't include penises
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
I walked into her room to find her sitting on the end of her bed with her heads in her hands talking to herself. She kept muttering things like "What? How? No. What? I don't --- How?" $10 says she's pregnant.
I'll see to your $10 and raise you $40.
He told me"I think your ready for this" and went into his closet whipped out a movie certiffied light saber.
It was somewhere in between an airport security patdown and a medical examination. No groping or squeezing, just brief pokes and pats.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
He went down on me for like 30 min and honestly half the time I thought about those videos where people can smash watermelons with their legs and I just wanted to do that to his skull
So apparently my bro is going to make me fix his tattoo this trip... He sent me a pic of said tattoo. Tattoo is of a sperm, on his penis, which was in a woman's mouth... Wth
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