fml, blew my nose and red sprinkles came out and did the splits when i sneezed
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
No fair. I need a fuck buddy to entertain me till the power comes back on
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
If you had a dick, I would hope it falls off and comes back to haunt you while fucking your ears at night. But you don't. But if you did, that's how mad I am at you
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
sex on a bike is impossible
challenge accepted
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
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