dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"
No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
I just explained it as we hate everyone in the world more then we hate each other. Thus making us friends. Plus we drink...a lot
I think drinking is the foundation of our friendship
Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
When did angry sex become our thing?
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
The cop that got shot in the dick is here, let the entertainment begin.
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
