Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Our conversation concluded a weekly schedule of casual sex in between classes.
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
Randomize
