Woke up in a closet. I'm not drinking till summer.
she insisted that i refer to her boobs by name.
after eating me out, he asked for something to drink. i gave him a glass of water and he said he needed something stronger.
he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off
Currently playing charity bingo with coworkers so if u were ever gonna send a dick pic now is the time
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
You had me at "let me see your balls"
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
the fact that I can still put my shoes on is a testament to the fact that I can outdrink these bros
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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