You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"
Career choice validated
booty call birthday vouchers, best idea ever. it's like giving a present to myself for someone else's birthday.
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Apparently, the right response to, "How do you feel about a terrorist being in the area?" isn't, "Well, we have vodka in the freezer, so we're good for now."
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Don't tell me I can do whatever makes me happy while also saying I have to put on pants.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
