i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
His hands were made for my vagina.
oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.
I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
