i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
my friend asked What a UTI was in front of everyone, letts just say his girlfriend was a lil pissed
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.
She somehow inhaled a tack last night, she's having surgery today.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I'm now having weird sexual fantasies about that riverdancing figure skater. So thanks for that.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Randomize
