How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
Not going to make it tonight. Some cougar at the bar just told me she has dibs on my dick.
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