Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic
I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Randomize
