im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
we're going to drop off one of our cars at the police station tonight so we'll be able to drive home in the morning
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
If you magically turned into a tall white gay guy, ignore this message. If not, then I'm sure someone has your fb password.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
Randomize
