They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
Cause a man that looks THAT good must have an ass that tastes like lucky charms
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I sent him a topless photo and he complimented my eyes. I'm not sure if I'm offended or pleasantly surprised.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
Randomize
