Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
We were having sex on the balcony and this guy walked by, so drunkily i said "dont move, he cant see us if we dont move."
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
She slapped me in the face with a McDouble. Just threw it right at my face while I was driving... That is why we can't bring her out in public.
Is it wrong I want to seduce my ex to prove the point to his current gf he's an ass?
She was eating leaves off of trees and saying it was salad, and even told a guy in passing that her favorite color was plaid.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
he fucked me wearing a cowboy hat and made grits after
We call him Texas for a reason.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
We ran out of vodka, so instead of body shots you wanted to do cupcake shots off her naked body...happy birthday to you.
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