I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
Her hair goes down to her lower back and nobody was there to held it back for her. She looked like chewbacca dipped in vomit.
From what I can tell at a cursory glance, it seems that last night I fell asleep on string cheese and it melted into my bra.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Basically, I am an endless fountain of unconvential sexual experiences and knowledge.
Randomize
