Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden
I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
I found his belly button lint in my hair. Can't say it was worth it.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
Sometimes intelligent conversation doesn't mix well with a romantic interest. It's possible the two are best kept separate. Toys should just stay in the toy box.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Shame - the story of my life.
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