She tied me up with her honor cords...
I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Hey guys.. So I accidentally broke the front door last night
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
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