I swear that when I have my own bathroom, I'm gonna lock myself in there and masterbate for at least 3 days in sheer appreciation of it.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
Did you really lure me out of the bar with a blond holding a dunkin donuts bag? Well played sir, well played.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
You can make out without kissing
Explanation needed
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
