Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
Why are there hot girls at the dollar store?
The recession has changed everything man.
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
Cause i'm hanging over the toilet bowl and thinking about your ball in my mouth is not helping
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
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