I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
Is a wave an appropriate goodbye when your one night stand wakes up and walks out towards the door while you are looking through the garbage for the evidence of a condom?
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
So, looks like I managed to leave my bra in the boardroom after all the sex. FML.
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
