I really want to sleep with her friend. I'm hoping our casual sex relationship will somehow lead to that.
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
But he buys me breakfast and goes down on me THATS HARD TO FIND
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
My breasts were aching with rage.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
It just smells like spaghetti and despair.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Nothing says depression like laying in your bed stoned, naked, and eating a cupcake
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
It’s the biggest dick I’ve ever seen. His IQ drops 25 points when he’s hard because there’s no blood going to his brain
Randomize
