He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
it was like getting a handjob from robocop
It's only 8pm and Karl already got a stripper fired.
i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.
At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
Literally got mad at him this morning because we didn't have time to have sex for a third time. I think I'm getting greedy.
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
You haven't demanded nudes today. You alright?
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
I got wing sauce on the baby and licked it off. If you were wondering how I'm doing.
Don't do tequila. The Devil himself spits into shot glasses and we call it tequila. You will do bad things.
Randomize
