Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
im drinking this country out of the recession.
we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.
giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.
Just watched my roommate stuff a sandwich in his pocket because we're out of paper plates.
We get an extra hour of sleep. That means we can take an extra shot tonight. Sound logic. Thank you daylight savings.
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I still regret not being there for your blackout into the dumpster last year
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
Im riding the bus with beer in one hand and chapagne in the other. I love weddings.
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
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