I just bought a large Pizza and Xanex in the same store...my night is complete
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Gym doesn't open till 11. I'm sure that of the other four people waiting in the lobby, I'm the only one still drunk and only going to the gym to shower.
Dude I pulled down his pants and he already had a condom on
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I think I accidentally invented a religion.
well I didn't shave for the hot dilf I banged last week so I'm sure as hell not shaving for you. Sry
In retrospect i can confidently say that the last two months of our relationship... i was only in it because i didnt wanna lose my list on his netflix account.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
She turned down sex for beer pong. I'm not sure if I should be disappointed or not.
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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