Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Well I woke up with a note on me reading Dear Passed Out Girl, and ending with why I shouldn't drink so much. Damn Tequilla.
Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
I'm just concerned it's gonna end up in my vagina again
The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
I'm storing dick pics, so basically if I'm still single after residency...ur gonna get bombarded. It's gonna be a blizzard of dicks.
Feel free to keep your blizzard of dicks to yourself.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
dont ever go to laser tag drunk. you will be judged.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
