yo everyone went to the hospital last night
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Why do I have a bunch of cash....and your bra.
MY FUCKING CAT JUST GAVE BIRTH AND IM FUCKING STONED AND I FUCKING DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO!!!
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Are you vicariously golddigging through me?!
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I'm no longer puke free since 2013 am I.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
Randomize
