Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
So he drunk messaged me last night telling me he wants a baby. Think I should call his bluff?
This guy smelled his armpits before trying to approach me at the bar
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Either he pets my cat or this deal is null
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Do you remember punching the light out in the bathroom? I didn't, and that was at bar 2 of 4…
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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