He kept asking me to take off my bra and I sat up so he could. He fumbled with it for a few minutes and when I sighed and went to undo it he goes, "Yeah, you got this."
Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We were sexting and at the end, instead of us having sex, he decided to put "we fell asleep in each others arms."
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I think rescheduling my finals around when Im going to be hungover is responsible
You wouldnt be able to explain the can of green beans in my mailbox, would you?
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I'm just wondering how Jon managed to get vomit ON THE CEILING?
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
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