dude we were making out and she kept singing the americas next top model song. you wanna be on top?
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
This has been the most pleasant arrest experience I've ever had.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
She still didn't believe that he would cheat on her so I finally said "how else would I know that his batman mask is still in the back of his car from halloween?" I think she accepted it
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
I'll be honest, this year's Vegas trip will be nothing short of disappointing if there's no repeat of the angry ménage a trios in a closet.
I could have sworn that I went home last night... but judging from the couch I just woke up on, apparently not.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
Randomize
