Ok never mind. Thought i pooped my pants for a second. False alarm.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?
No. Especially when my uncle started stripping. Too many shots. So that's where I get that from.
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
There was a community pot of Ramen, and if you were in the pool you were either fully clothes or ass naked.
Because once my penis is in motion, it stays in motion unless another force acts upon it.
Carrying your underwear around in your purse on Sunday morning is its own religious experience
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
I know its 2 in the morning and everything. But i just straight up yelled "DON'T YOU UNDERSTAND THIS WORLD IS DIFFICULT ENOUGH AS IT IS WITHOUT YOU PULLING THIS BULLSHIT ON ME" to my taco. Because it fell apart on me. I think i might be cracking under this finals pressure.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Randomize
