u know ur drinking tonight lol i dont know why you try to deny it
but i dont wanna get emotional and drunk text
then give me ur phone
NEVER!!
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
Still trying to figure out where I was when someone broke the lawn chair and put it in the bathroom.
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
Oh yeah, you are a real peach except for shitting uncontrollably and bleeding out of your face.
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
Randomize
