nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
Mid thrust he tells me that we have bio together
Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.
she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?
its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus
Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed
He never broke character while fucking me on the neighbor's lawn. I give him a 10 for his dedication to the British accent.
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
I feel like my vagina was punched by chuck Norris, a Brazilian chuck Norris.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Randomize
