I have demons in me.
We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.
I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?
she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much
you puked ON HER
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
It feels like I was drinking gasoline last night.
Some guys phone started vibrating on the tv. I answered mine. That's how high I am.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
Saw the Peanut butter guy at checkout he had at least 30 containers of it and like 6 different kinds...
Randomize
