This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.
Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
CODE RED CODE RED MY VIBRATOR IS BROKEN THIS IS NOT A DRILL
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Woke up next to a half eaten Philly Cheesesteak. Honestly probably one of the top 3 things I've ever woken up next to.
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
Randomize
